Thursday, April 19, 2007

and the truth shall set you free

sometimes. other times it is binding and overwhelming.

i'm scared. scared to speak the truth because sometimes it hurts. but today my roommate spoke truth and it set me free. i am tired. i am sad. i cannot fight this battle anymore. and i was afraid that if i spoke truth it would hurt you - but in reality my silence was more hurtful than the truth. i am sorry.

martha cried tonight - and my whole heart wanted to cry with her but there were no tears. and when I told Scott he looked tired it made him upset and that made me want to cry too. and we all sat together and laughed but we were separated by a long table. so I held on to Danielle hand because that was all I knew how to do. I want to cry and share the turmoil that is churning inside but there are no tears and there are no words. and I realize that my silence - it is uncertain and uncomfortable.

I don't know how to formulate my thoughts. I love you for who you are. I love you for voicing your doubt and struggles- I would have it no other way. I love you for sharing your burden- I just don't know how to carry it anymore. And I wish we could talk like we used to- but I just don't know what to say. I'm tired through and through and it's just easier to sit- sit with my sad eyes and my loud laugh. I have forgotten how to be a good friend. I have no advice. I really don't even have questions. I just really want to be with you- but without those two things it makes it feel so difficult.


alicat said...

i haven't cried yet, but i've been close. last night was so good, but so hard. and it was sad to be on the other end of the long table, away from you.
i love you amanda. even if you don't feel like a good friend, without all the advice or questions, you are. i see jesus in you and he makes you a good friend even when you don't feel like it anymore.

ryanmortinson said...

there's a korean saying... "fighting!" it's hard to exactly explain the meaning... it's sort of just understood... but basically it means "good luck, don't give up, i believe in you, you will make it, victory" so anyway...