Monday, April 23, 2007

I almost wish I were dead- in a feeling sort of way. Instead I feel it all and it makes me want to throw up. Tension is so thick right now “that you could cut it with a knife.” Stress levels are so high that everyone reacts to the smallest things. And the issue isn’t even that everyone is reacting- or that the reasons are illegitimate. It’s that everyone seems to be upset with everyone else and in reality it is all a huge misunderstanding. I hope.

I tried to wash dishes but I don’t know how well they got cleaned- I couldn’t see anything through my teary eyes. It is our last week together and we aren’t getting along. It breaks my heart and makes me mad. There doesn’t seem to be anything to say either. I’m so afraid that we’ll look back and remember this week as the true week from hell and our friendships will be ruined.

I don’t know why we say dumb things. I don’t know why we do dumb things. Maybe in a sick way we think it will preserve what little we have left of ourselves. But maybe it’s actually ruining us. Maybe our struggles and trials do make us stronger and better people- I just wish there was something I could do to help the process go a little quicker and maybe include an extra smile or two.

1 comment:

ryanmortinson said...

i am sitting here thinking... "i wish i had something clever to say. i wish i knew the perfect thing to say. i wish i could encourage her. i wish she wouldn't worry, fear, or cry."

so i decided the clever thing to say was to just be honest and say I was trying to think of something to say.

cheer up you child of God. you are loved. is there anything more important than that?

i pray that you find love, peace, joy, faith, hope, have lovely dreams, have calm thoughts, have meaningful conversations, learn to say goodbye, and most importantly... draw closer to God through the whole process.