Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Has someone ever said something to you - and although you know you should look at it like that grain of sand that turns into a pearl . . .
all you see
is that damn grain of sand.

Those moments are pivotal - the "y" in the road - the next step will alter life forever.

What my mom says is true. wise. thoughtful. said because she cares. said because she worries. and also said because she is imperfect.
I hear you. But mom, I don't want to listen. You can still tell me "no" but now I'm old enough to make my own decision. You can't "stop" me per-say. And now we both worry.

You worry because you hope and pray I'll make the right choice.
I worry because I know right from wrong and this feels gray.
and fun.
and adventurous.
and freeing.
and right.

And I acknowledge the battle. I acknowledge the temptation. I acknowledge that if it truly were ok I wouldn't be torn between the choice. But it isn't the time to fight. It's time to listen to my mom. to my heart. to the still small voice I so desperately want to hear. And I acknowledge - that in this moment God is responding to my cry for Him by asking me to let go of myself.

I turn off the light.
and I weep.
I pray, that when the moment comes to respond, that You will help me make the choice I know I need to make.


Jamie said...

Hang in there, Girl. It's tough to stand at those pivotal crossroads. And good...as they are often places for God to pull you out of your comfort zone and make you more into what He wants. As you already know, continue to seek God's direction... and when the time comes, you'll know what to do. You'll just know -- by the blessed peace and joy in your heart and mind. But I can almost guarantee you won't know until you absolutely have to. Steady on, Amanda. : ) Grace and peace to you.

Whitney said...

One of the things that I admire most about you is how much you struggle with things like this. That sounds reaaaally bad, but what I mean is unlike me, just blindly letting the current carry be wherever it goes- good or bad, you anguish over your decisions, weighing the outcome and trying to figure out what path God would have you take. And I echo the girl above when she says that most of the time, you don't know which path that will be until you have to take the first step. Another big thing I admire about you is how prayerful you are. Continue to pray. I'll pray for you too ;)

And remember- You are much wiser than you know. No matter the road you take, you've got friends and family and always God.

Love you tootz!

[ps. I like the quote on your header. It looks *ahem* familiar ;) ]