There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear... 1 John 4:18
When I reflect on my relationship with Abba, which is more often similare to that of a roller coaster ride simply because of my stubbornness, I am amazed. No other relationship is similar to what we have. I think it's deeply related to this idea of perfect love. I trust the Lord completely and I have come to learn that despite my mistakes He loves me unconditionally. I can mess up royally and His love does not falter, His feelings toward me never change. I feel confident and secure in this love relationship I share with the One who created the Heavens and the Earth, the One who created my inmost being; who knit me together in my mother's womb (Ps. 139). His feelings for me never falter, never change, and are so intense and so unchanging that my insecurities fade away in His presense and I am bold enough to crawl up on His lap and rest my head upon His chest.
But now, after many years of opperating vitually alone, all my insecurities are coming to the surface for me to battle most minutes of the day. When living in relationship with other fallable humans I am constantly reminded of the imperfect love that we have for one another and the lack of trust, the ability to more easily listen to the insecure parts of myself than the truth I am hoping for. I wish I could interact through perfect love with you, trust you completely, trust myself even, and be confident in my amazingness (if you will). But instead of seeing who I really am, as I do when I'm with Jesus, I see my shortcommings and I second guess myself and feel more like a burden or nuisance than someone you would really enjoy spending time with.
Can humans live in perfect love? Or as imperfect creatures are we left to battle insecurities forever? I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to tune out those dumb little voices that feed me lies. Maybe the more time I spend with Abba the more I will reflect that confident, loved girl...