*sigh* I’m not sure where along the road I learned how to be afraid… or to expect the worst… But somehow it has become part of my thought process and since those angles are always a part of the conversations I play in my head I’ve become convinced that it’s better to just not have some conversations and let things play out the way they will without my interference.
Now I realize that this isn’t how things work with God, but I assume it’s how it works with the people in my life. But there’s this amazing man named Ryan in my life, and he keeps destroying my fears and doubts. I recognize that this is God’s work through him to make me more trusting and more truthful and more bold, but it still catches me off guard. Almost as if I don’t believe I deserve it.
Maybe the wounds of my past have taught me to think that all the problems in my relationships were my fault, based off my poor communication, my insecurities, and my deep desire to please others. But it takes two to tango right – so although some of it I have to claim as my fault, there is some guilt on the other parties involved too.
Ryan is patient, he is kind. From what I’ve seen he does not envy, and he’s working on his boasting and pride (well, this is my prayer for us both). He is not rude, and not self-seeking, he isn’t easily angered, and he doesn’t keep a record of my wrongs (well, he reminds me – with a smile of course – that I thought my intestines were above my stomach… we got that all sorted out!). We’re working to not delight in evil (sometimes it is a process to re-define what is evil) and instead rejoice with truth (again, sometimes you have to re-define these things at your present stage in life). He does all he can to protect me, to trust me, to hope, and to persevere. And with God’s help, our love will never fail. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).
No, we aren’t perfect, but we’re applying patience and honesty to the process of learning. We’re extending grace to one another, and it’s hard to let go of the walls I’ve built to protect myself, but when I get rid of them, one by one, and see that Ryan’s still standing there – holding my hand – there are no words to express the emotions in my heart. And, it’s that visual aid I need to help me learn that my Heavenly Father acts in more perfect ways that this.