Tuesday, December 07, 2010

I'm totally getting used to this "staying at home" thing. =)

Subbing jobs haven't been very reliable, and at first it drove me crazy but now I'm finding myself very content to spend the days at home. Since I'm a pretty motivated person I'm able to keep myself busy, but at a relaxing pace.
Since that "motivation" is in my genes I'm usually the one who is double, or even triple booked... and I can tell you that slowing down + the increase of hormones in my body has made these last few months... um... well, let's just say my character flaws and insecurities were hard to ignore *sheepish grin*
But through this downtime and double doses of Grace I'm starting to feel more at peace. Sometimes my stubbornness isn't all that bad - I've read my Bible every morning for 70 days (yes, hard to believe the Love of my Life has been gone for 70 days) and I've been going through a book at night that is "teaching" me to pray for my family. I know it isn't about what I "do" but I'm exercising my stubbornness to not give up doing these things and it's giving me opportunity to spend specific time with Jesus. And in those times, even through my fear, resistance, and sorrow, my relationship with Jesus is growing stronger. I'm far from being perfect, from even being okay - but the more time I spend with Him, the less I'm filled with me, and the more I'm filled with Him. And that's where my contentedness comes from.
It's still hard, after so many years of being "on my own" and "making my own way" to rely on someone else - whether that's Ryan to pay our bills, or Jonathon to do my heaving lifting and clean the cat box, or God to do the transforming - but I can feel the peace wash over me.
It comes at different moments - watching my kitties chase each other around the house, seeing a bird perched on the snow covered trees, listening to worship music while I finish homework, or feeling my baby girl kick.
70 days ago I couldn't stop the tears because I wasn't sure how to get through a day without my husband (for some reason the pain from separation of a husband and wife is different than I've ever felt from being away from my family or friends) but now I have tears of thankfulness.

God is God.
God is Good.
God wants the best for me.
There will be more times of pain, but He's teaching me how to walk with Him through those, one moment at a time, relying on Him not my understanding.

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