Saturday, May 05, 2012


Well... since I have a general idea of how my family system works... I've decided to begin the process of packing and cleaning today since I know that there will be too many things left to finish Monday and we'll have a
You know what I mean?  It will be one of "those days." Where I'll be recalling how many times I've heard we'll just do it Monday and I'll think to myself see, I knew we should have done it Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday because we don't have enough time to do all 8 things now. 
So, I'm trying to be proactive and get a few of those other things done today!

But instead I think I'm just shaking up the bottle of emotions I didn't think I would be dealing with.
It would be really helpful if I thought I understood myself, understood what exactly I am feeling. Because I think that if I did then I would be able to have an honest conversation with people instead of just saying "I'm excited for the adventure!" - which by the way, I am, but I'm pretty sure that what I feel goes a lot deeper than that.

Monday, May 7th, we are boarding a ferry in Whittier Alaska and we're heading to Oklahoma City. I knew this was part of being a military family but I also knew I wouldn't understand truly what that meant until the move took place. Over the last 6 months we've been busy making all the preparations for this move - saving money, looking at houses, buying a house, packing our stuff, living out of a suitcase, living with my parents, getting together with friends, eating at our favorite restaurants... all the important things. And now... It's time to go... and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that.

Excited? We bought a house, we get to make it our own. We get to visit friends and family on the drive over. We get to see what our marriage is really made out of. We get to see how deeply rooted our faith is.

Fear? Heat. Bugs. Storms. Support system? I'm not really sure it's safe to unpack that one on the Internet.

When I moved to Oregon for Graduate School I wasn't sure I would be moving back to Alaska. But I was familiar with the area, I had people, and I didn't feel like I was responsible for holding my family together.  Now I'm moving to a place I've never been before. I've got a husband and a daughter to care for. There seems to be a lot more responsibility this time. And I know that God has my back - but sometimes that just feels like an easy excuse to throw out there. Yes, He provides everything I need, but I'm still responsible for doing my part - and despite my limited understanding of Grace and my experience with growth from mistakes - it seems like the stakes are a whole lot higher this time around. There are a lot more opportunities for failure.

And that scares me to death... and on that note, back to the packing and cleaning!

You hold my every moment.
You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire.
You heal all my disease.

I trust in You!
Lord, I trust in You!

I believe, You're my Healer.
I believe, You are all I need. 
I believe.
I believe, You're my portion
I believe, You're more than enough for me. 
Jesus You're all I need. 

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible 
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands.

No comments: