Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I'm not usually a claustrophobic person, there may have been two times in my life where I've experienced that situation... But today was bad, real, real bad. I was stuck in my mind- and there were no words, no hand motions, no facial expressions, no other way to get out.
My greatest fear is to one day be stuck in my body. By that I mean that I'm scared to death to be alive and not have function of this body. I know, it is selfish, but I cannot imagine a life where I cannot move my limbs, or be able to think but not speak.
I think I sorta freaked out in class today because there was so much bouncing around in my head and I had no ability to put any of it into a verbal explanation. I felt like an idiot. And I hated it.

I realized something today that I sorta find silly. I have never really taken academics to God. I'm not sure if I can really explain it though...
I pray- like: help me to do well on this test, help me to focus and get this darn paper done, please let me somehow pass that class etc. But I've never asked God to really help me to understand. I've never asked Him to help me pick a topic for a paper, whatever.
Did I some how, subconsciously, think; Oh, it really doesn't matter to God, He's not really interested about the topic of my research paper, He doesn't really care if I understand that concept as long as I make sure to love my neighbor...

Well, Abba, this is me freaking out. This is me being frustrated. I need Your help. I need some ideas. I need some vocabulary.

Where you are- is where I want to be.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

Thanks for the reminder, Manda. After class, God asked me why I was getting so frustrated with the whole thing. He wanted me to give it to Him. At first, I didn't want to. But, shortly thereafter, I realised I dare not keep it. sigh. I think I'll always be a work in progess.
Anyways, hang in there. In three months, you'll be looking back and laughing to yourself, "I'm done with that!"