Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I have a sick feeling in my stomach...I wonder if Grad. School will be all about writing essays- if it is- I think I'll quit now :)

"What do you know about teaching and what do you still have left to learn?"

How am I supposed to answer that? What do I want to reveal about myself in my answer? I really just want to say "I know nothing!" but that feels just a little to cynical, and well, not honest! But I really feel like I don't know! Do they want to know about teaching specifically, or being a teacher? Can the two be separated? And what happens if some how they discover that I don't even really want to be a teacher anymore... that I'm just applying because for the last 10 years that's been the goal...

Teaching is a learning experience, a journey with people, an engagement of the mind. Every day will be different; different students, different material, different stories and situations. And it will be hard because people are hard, but it will bring more joy to my life than I am sure I can even imagine. What do I have left to learn? It feels like everything... I do not know how to write a lesson plan or manage a classroom, and I do not know what my style of teaching is yet, but I am excited to find all these things out.

I don't remember the "why" to anything. I don't remember why I wanted to go to college. I don't remember why I wanted to become a teacher. I don't remember why I kept signing up to be an RA. I don't remember why I thought it was a good idea to move to Oregon. But I know that somewhere in the midst of all my forgetfulness- God remembers. And even if that is all I have to hold onto- I will.
And in saying that a spark flickers to life... I wanted to go to college because no one else in my family has. I wanted to become a teacher because the most inspiring people in my life were teachers. I signed up to be an RA because that's what my family expected and it helped pay the bills. I wanted to move to Oregon because I wanted a new start- a place where no one knew me. And then that spark dies. Because then I'm left to wonder if I did anything for me. Is it ME who wants to be a teacher? or was that everyone else's idea? Is it ME who loves Res. Life- or is that everyone else's idea? Part of me hopes that it's me, but I wonder if it's just become habit- what's expected has become what I want... is that entirely wrong?
This has now turned into ramblings... I must go to bed before I destroy this intricate web I call my life... is it my life?

2 comments:

ryanmortinson said...

sounds like a good essay for the question right there.what you know is what you learn. you know about the teachers that taught you. just turn in this whole blog entry (well, most of it.)

love you lady. and no fear. life will work out. just give it time.

me said...

now the interview is OVER....
and...just because you can....you should watch Bonnie Tyler sing Total Eclipse of the Heart on UTube. I think you deserve it...again...you are the bestest and i love you. :-)