I have a sick feeling in my stomach...I wonder if Grad. School will be all about writing essays- if it is- I think I'll quit now :)
"What do you know about teaching and what do you still have left to learn?"
How am I supposed to answer that? What do I want to reveal about myself in my answer? I really just want to say "I know nothing!" but that feels just a little to cynical, and well, not honest! But I really feel like I don't know! Do they want to know about teaching specifically, or being a teacher? Can the two be separated? And what happens if some how they discover that I don't even really want to be a teacher anymore... that I'm just applying because for the last 10 years that's been the goal...
Teaching is a learning experience, a journey with people, an engagement of the mind. Every day will be different; different students, different material, different stories and situations. And it will be hard because people are hard, but it will bring more joy to my life than I am sure I can even imagine. What do I have left to learn? It feels like everything... I do not know how to write a lesson plan or manage a classroom, and I do not know what my style of teaching is yet, but I am excited to find all these things out.
I don't remember the "why" to anything. I don't remember why I wanted to go to college. I don't remember why I wanted to become a teacher. I don't remember why I kept signing up to be an RA. I don't remember why I thought it was a good idea to move to Oregon. But I know that somewhere in the midst of all my forgetfulness- God remembers. And even if that is all I have to hold onto- I will.
And in saying that a spark flickers to life... I wanted to go to college because no one else in my family has. I wanted to become a teacher because the most inspiring people in my life were teachers. I signed up to be an RA because that's what my family expected and it helped pay the bills. I wanted to move to Oregon because I wanted a new start- a place where no one knew me. And then that spark dies. Because then I'm left to wonder if I did anything for me. Is it ME who wants to be a teacher? or was that everyone else's idea? Is it ME who loves Res. Life- or is that everyone else's idea? Part of me hopes that it's me, but I wonder if it's just become habit- what's expected has become what I want... is that entirely wrong?
This has now turned into ramblings... I must go to bed before I destroy this intricate web I call my life... is it my life?