Saturday, February 10, 2007

Maybe you think I'm a strong person.
but I'm not

Maybe you think I'm an independent person.
but I'm not

Maybe you think I'm a courageous person.
but I'm not

actually, I'm really weak, dependent, and scared.
at least for today

there was a day when I enjoyed having a few hours to myself- now the apartment just feels cold and empty and distracting- no work will be done tonight.
there was a day when I enjoyed a queen-sized bed, now even a twin shared with my roommate feels to big.
I need you.

I need you to hold me- and linger an extra second or two in the hug. I need you to let me cry on your shoulder. Run your fingers through my hair, rest your chin on my head, and keep rubbing your thumb on my shoulder. Please hold my hand.
I'm afraid that I'll dissolve into molecules if you go away...
I cry when people say goodbye- when it's time for everyone to leave a little part of my heart dies.

Yes, my smile is real. And I'm not lying when I say I'm doing OK. But lately, my heart has been feeling in a different way.

I remember a few years ago- sitting on the floor in Bauman praying at the last Green Room of the year. Kirk said something about a glimpse of what it will be like in Heaven- we were sad because we got a little taste of what community will be like at Home. I would trade everything for a place where we could all be together- forever, we'd never have to say goodbye.


me said...

once know how to say it...better than spoken words could this week.
all i wanted last night, was to come home and lay on the floor and be. not laughing. not crying. just be.
i love you...and you'll always be my home.

ryanmortinson said...

i think you are... amanda. a treasured member of my eternal family. and that's all that matters.