Sunday, April 01, 2007

Even though I woke up smiling and laughing and happy for the sun . . . I'm not really feeling it . . .

I got to talk with my sister-in-law this morning, and I was amazed that she understood (and well, if she didn't really, at least she knew exactly what to say for me to believe her!)

We went to church in our pajamas and drank coffee during the sermon.

I'm pretending that I still care . . . that I can still cry . . . that I'm excited about embracing this last month . . . that I'll make the most of it . . . but in reality I think I've shut down . . . I can't get past the watering eyes . . . our conversations give me hope- but that is quickly dashed upon the rocks like the waves . . . there really aren't words anymore . . . I don't even care . . . but all I know to do is keep going- keep pretending- keep smiling- keep drinking coffee and freaking out . . . I felt alive this week, but I'm not really sure how to explain even that, and it's all been sucked away with the thought of having to go to classes tomorrow . . .

Oh life.
Guess it's back to the papers eh?

1 comment:

alicat said...

i don't mind if you freak out.
its okay if you stop pretending.
smile if you mean it and be sad if you don't. i love you.
p.s. i do not want to go to class tomorrow
p.p.s. church in pjs sounds amazing. =)
p.p.p.s i think i need a hug from you tomorrow