Saturday, April 07, 2007

SWIMMING IN MY HEAD . . .




Zach is in the front- shaking his shoulders to Justin Timberlake.
Greg is also in the front- looking bad-ass in his aviators.
Bryan is in the back- he’s pulled out his book and settled in.
Bethany is on the hump- her legs are stretched out in front of her.
I’m also in the back- nestled in the corner watching it all go by.

I-5 is lazy and it’s a Friday afternoon! Kiersten and Nicole are headed the opposite direction- I miss that little blonde! We merge onto 26 and traffic slows even more. The windows roll up and the AC blasts fully- it is the perfect day for the beach.

I close my eyes but I’m avoiding sleep. For once I feel ready to pilfer through all the thoughts swimming through my brain. Four years ago a teacher sat me down and said “Amanda, there is so much going on in your head that it comes out in a jumbled mess, we need to figure out how to help you!” Well, we didn’t figure out how to help me, so now I often just avoid having to go there . . . but I’m afraid that until I sort out all that is in my head I won’t be able to focus and finished all the homework that is due on Tuesday . . .

“Push and Pull. Shove and Tug. Ebb and Flow”
I’m juggling my time between four worlds- and I just wish that they all fit together at once. There’s school and Res. Life and friends and those I call my family- and I’m torn because when I’m with one I think about the other.

“Stop. Oh my heart! Ow! Ow.”
Do I need to be willing to make sacrifices? But what do I sacrifice; language, alcohol, homework, time together, adventure, grades, old relationships, new relationships, routine, the plan, family, friends, coffee, shopping, sleep, thinking, resting? I’ve lost all ability to show you that I care . . . I have become so tired on this journey that every time I try to speak, you think I am upset.

We’re back in the car.
Zach is still in the front.
So is Greg. I’m not sure what they’re jamming to, a little Mute Math and some Mat Karney- it’s good stuff.
Brian has pulled out the headlamp.
Bethany is sharing it with him- oh for the love of reading.
Their eyes are both closed now, the lights are off, and Bethany’s hand is on my knee.
My eyes are closed but the thoughts are still flowing- will they ever take a break?

I had fun at the beach. I had fun laughing with Anna. But what gets me . . . is that I kept thinking about you- and how I wished we’d all made it back for the drive-in. What a silly life. But that’s ok, without silly it would be lame . . .

2 comments:

Father Dane said...

I am listening...

ryanmortinson said...

ahhh... the difficulty of finding silence in your own head. i know exactly what you mean.

you'll make it. you are a warrior woman. you've been through the fire. trust God. trust those that are close to you. and let your golden soul shine.

peace lady.