Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Sometimes I get ahead of myself – and I know I shouldn’t but sometimes I just can’t help it. There are too many thoughts that fly across that tiny little tv in my brain. Too many pictures that flash across my computer screen. Too many feelings that squeeze my heart.

I cried while we baptized the girls from our cabin. And I cried while the worship band led last night. I cried while Sarah and I giggled on my bunk. And I cried while our girls shared their fears. I cried when the students we have been praying months for, submitted to the drawing of the Spirit. And I cried while we waited for the persecutors to come raid our cabin. I cried while I looked through my photo albums.

It was so hard to leave Oregon; it is so hard to say goodbye when you have built relationships that become a source of life. And somehow I dived right back in – head first – into building relationships. And now I can’t stop thinking about April, when once again I will pack up my life and head back to Oregon – this time with no plan for the next adventure.

All I really want to do is work at the Church. There is just something about it that captures my heart and won’t let me go; much like Res. Life. But fear and uncertainty quickly jump in and swallow me when I entertain thoughts of quitting the Alaska Club. I worry about paying my bills, saving for Grad school and rent and groceries and gas and insurance. I think about the little budget I built and I get overwhelmed by the numbers that look so big but are so inadequate.

Please, stop reminding me that God gives us choices – I’ve experienced that. Please stop reminding me that He’ll bless me whatever decision I make. I’m scared that I won’t make the right decision. I’m scared that the decision I make is based on selfish motives. I’m scared that I’m making decisions because I’m not tough enough to stick out the situation I am in.

I don’t know where the Lord wants me. All I know is that my heart is being pulled in so many directions and every other minute I am convinced to go a different way. I would follow my heart, but I’m not sure where it is directing me.

1 comment:

Elizabeth (El) said...

I deeply resonate with your ponderings... it's making decisions with the knowledge of choices, the fear and beauty of surrender, and the innermost beat of your heart which can trust the desires God placed there.
I'm on a similar journey; it's painful, seemingly senseless, and it fires me up in the best way possible.

I'm excited for you, and as hard as it is, I know you're in a good place. Your searching, questions, and obedience are admired and honored by our King.

Happy processing, friend! I'm right there with you...