Sunday, December 16, 2007

Are we ever satisfied with who we are?

I think I have come to terms with realizing I cannot change "who" I am, but that certainly doesn't mean I will ever stop trying. I'll take on job titles and straighten my hair. I'll shop for expensive name brand clothes and buy a pair of glasses. One day I'll invest in braces and banish my gap, the one that makes me look like Grandmama and sets me apart. I'll wear heals and exercise religiously and one day buy myself a brand new car. But those things will never change "who" I am.
I can pour over your pictures and covet the life God blessed you with, but no amount of tears or prayers will make me you. And it isn't even that I want to be you - but there are things you have that I would love to have be a part of my life. And the thing is, it isn't even about being happy either. I know I can be content in whatever situation - but that doesn't mean that I stop missing or dreaming.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I've said a lot of hurtful things, I've given a lot of wrong advice, and I've closed my mouth and turned my head in opportune moments, but that's why there is Grace. And when I sit back and evaluate life - I may not be satisfied, but I'm at peace. I may not always make sense, actually I won't more often than not. But I'm learning to be OK with not knowing the whole picture. Because I trust that the Creator of the Universe, the One I call Father and Friend, has a plan. One day I'll allow myself to fall in love again. One day I'll be close to my family in Oregon. One day I'll have those deep relationships with the people here in Alaska. One day I'll be able to set my fear and worry aside. Until then, I just keep trusting, believing, and even pretending - until I'm strong enough to be OK with who You've made me to be.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like, and try to love the things you took. Then you take that love you made, and stick into some... someone else's heart, pumping someones else's blood. Walking arm-in-arm, you hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does, you just do it all again." Regina Spektor

“I ended my first book with the words no answer. I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words.” (Till We Have Faces)

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