Thursday, October 16, 2008

Roller. Coaster. Ride.

I work on homework all the time. By that I mean that last Wednesday around 5 pm I started on homework for this week and Tuesday I was in tears because I looked at all I still had to finish and didn't see a possibility to complete it. Somebody out there must have said a prayer or two because I got the rest of my 10 things done that evening, and even got to bed before 2 am.
Somehow I have managed to ward off getting sick *knock on wood* and staying at least partially in my right mind. I haven't really been that pleasant to be around, but I've been trying harder! I'm really moody these days and little things set me off. Despite how busy and crazy life is I've been thinking about the future, wondering where God'll lead me, and who I'll disappoint in that transition. I've made a little sappy mix of some of the music we listened to Senior year; good ole Damien Rice, the Weepies, Joshua Radin, Brandi Carlile, Regina Spektor, Rosie Thomas, Brooke Fraser. It's been good for my heart.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I'm left wondering what I need to survive these days. I feel like I've gotten by for so long "without" that I no longer remember what I "need." I've managed to make it through some pretty crappy stages without the people I didn't think I could survive without; my mom, Janelle, Alicia, Bethany, Martha... I'm a mess, but I'm still here, and I wonder if since I've gotten this far, what else could I face on my own? in a new town? in a new state? on a new coast? in a new country? The possibilities are endless.

1 comment:

Whitney said...

Even though I will agree the moodiness scares the sh*t out of my sometimes, understand it's only because you're literally at your wits end. ;) Like I said before, I'm here for you.

Don't worry about disappointing people. This is probably the only point in your life where you will be virtually string-less. No one tying you to any one place or plan or whatever. Yes, there are people and reasons that could persuade you one way or the other but nothing KEEPING you from just picking up and moving to Ethiopia (or wherever) to teach little fly-faced babies (or whoever). You have already made the big steps. You've lived away from your family ( Fox undergrad), then your friends (post grad year in AK), and now from your Alaskan family and friends AND most of your undergrad GFU friends. You are a tough cookie.

I know to you it may seem like you're a mess but from the outside, you're looking pretty damn good, my friend.

I admire so much that you had/have the strength to move away from you the people who love and support you and the places familiar to you. I admire that you are disciplined enough to stick to your guns even when the mountain seems too tall and too steep to climb. I admire your ability to discern between your ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ and deal with them appropriately. I admire that you have to will to keep going and the faith to believe that there will be a pot of gold at the end of this (sometimes) yucky colored rainbow. I admire that you have to courage to think about what happens next, to plan things that you know will be trying but will pay off exponentially in adventure and life experience. You’ve got more get-up-and-go then a lot of people, tootz. ;) You’re no mess…. Well maybe a hot mess of amazingness. ;)

Keep on doin’ what you’re doin. ;)