Friday, October 03, 2008

I need to take a selfish moment, a moment to "toot my own horn."
I'm having a rough go of this grad school thing. I realize I "knew" what I was signing up for, I "knew" it would be busy, but what I "knew" and what is reality, are way totally different.
I'd like to think of myself as an organized person, but it may be more correct to say that I'm an "organized pile" person. I make piles - but I always know what pile to go to for certain information. So maybe you think of file folders with nice little tabs as organized, and that works sometimes, I just seem to accumulate too many miscellaneous things that I would have to have a file for each piece of paper, so in a pile it all goes. =)
I would also like to think that I can juggle a number of things at a time - uh, not in the sense of juggling balls or scarves - I have very low coordination skills!, but I can be really busy and still get everything done. But I've dropped a lot of balls recently and this idea of not being on the top of my game is really, really, hard for me to wrap my mind around. It makes me feel really lousy to show up to class with the wrong books, incorrect assignments, the wrong pile of printed papers, or to even need to finish an assignment but not have the guidelines where I last put them.
I have an online class I need to take, print the results of, and put in the mail, but I think last week it accidentally got put in the mail with my stack of bills - because I was working on that pile at the same time.
I was telling some of my colleagues that I keep waiting for this weekend where I can just breathe, but they don't exist anymore! The only relief to a weekend is that I don't have to go to any classes, but I still have to get up early, I still have massive amounts of homework to complete. In fact, I'm working on my 3rd consecutive week where I have had a large amount of work to do every single day. I wake up, I convince myself to try to eat something because I no longer have an appetite, I go to school, I come home and do homework, and I sleep for a few hours and do it all over again.
I realize I'm not the only one who feels this way - everyone is dragging, everyone is tired and overwhelmed, and really just needing a day with no alarm or homework. But, since we're all in the same boat I'm unsure of how logical it is to lean on each other! I would hope that if one of my classmates is having a real crisis he or she would share that, but I honestly am having a hard time keeping myself upright, I couldn't hold two of us up. And my roommates have lives of their own, and maybe I'm just making excuses or selling them short, when I say I'd rather not unload on them because they just don't understand this stage for me right now. Or maybe I'm just too tired to talk about it. This song is a good reminder for me, for both sides of the road that I am journeying on.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's
Always tomorrow.
Lean on me, when you're not strong
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Until I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on.
Please swallow your pride
If I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won't let show
You just call on me brother
When you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.
If there is a load
You have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me.

No comments: