clutching tightly, not one has fallen.
So many years I've shaped each one-
reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now You're asking me to show
what I'm holding oh so tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go.
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Surrender. Surrender, You whisper gently.
You say I will be free,
I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.
You say You have a plan for me,
and that You want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see
what You can do with one
that's committed to Your calling.
I know of course what I should do,
that I can't hold these dreams forever.
If I give them now to You,
will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again? -Barlow Girl, Surrender
I have a number of dreams. I've been following after one; going to graduate school to get a degree so that I can be a teacher. Even at the end of long stressful days my heart just overflows for these students. They try my patience, they make me laugh, they get on my nerves, and they give me hugs. I'm so glad that I didn't give in to my tiredness and give up on this dream.
But I have other dreams too, and I'm not losing hope in them, I'm just wondering when it will be time to pursue them. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to pray, I'm trying not to pre-plan, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But I'll be honest - I don't pray as much as I worry. I dream and wonder more than I rest in the Lord's promises for my life.
One of my dreams was to go back to Heritage, where I graduated from high school, and teach there one day- to be my brother's teacher. And now I'm wondering if I fulfilled that dream- because I subbed there for a semester. But I wonder if since I'm questioning it, it that dream has really been fulfilled! Oh why do I have to over-think everything?! I get so caught up in worrying if I'm letting the people in my life down, or if I'm disappointing God, or missing His directions.
I'm doubting the next step... I'm afraid that if I go back to Anchorage I'll be do it for the wrong reasons; a boy, the girls, safety of a Christian School, the support of my family. I'm afraid that if I stay in Oregon I'll do it for the wrong reasons; I selfishly want a job with tiers of payment, benefits, a retirement plan. I'm stubborn and want to prove that I can make it on my own.
There, I said it. That's the truth, and I'm scared. I'm scared to pray about this and leave it in God's hands. I'm scared that He'll call my bluff, whatever that is, and I'll have to let go of yet another dream. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4