Saturday, January 17, 2009

My hands hold safely to my dreams,
clutching tightly, not one has fallen.
So many years I've shaped each one-
reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now You're asking me to show
what I'm holding oh so tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go. 
Does it matter?
Should I show You?

Surrender. Surrender, You whisper gently.
You say I will be free, 
I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me. 

You say You have a plan for me,
and that You want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see
what You can do with one
that's committed to Your calling.
I know of course what I should do,
that I can't hold these dreams forever.
If I give them now to You, 
will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again? -Barlow Girl, Surrender

I have a number of dreams. I've been following after one; going to graduate school to get a degree so that I can be a teacher. Even at the end of long stressful days my heart just overflows for these students. They try my patience, they make me laugh, they get on my nerves, and they give me hugs. I'm so glad that I didn't give in to my tiredness and give up on this dream. 
But I have other dreams too, and I'm not losing hope in them, I'm just wondering when it will be time to pursue them. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to pray, I'm trying not to pre-plan, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But I'll be honest - I don't pray as much as I worry. I dream and wonder more than I rest in the Lord's promises for my life. 
One of my dreams was to go back to Heritage, where I graduated from high school, and teach there one day- to be my brother's teacher. And now I'm wondering if I fulfilled that dream- because I subbed there for a semester. But I wonder if since I'm questioning it, it that dream has really been fulfilled! Oh why do I have to over-think everything?! I get so caught up in worrying if I'm letting the people in my life down, or if I'm disappointing God, or missing His directions. 
I'm doubting the next step... I'm afraid that if I go back to Anchorage I'll be do it for the wrong reasons; a boy, the girls, safety of a Christian School, the support of my family. I'm afraid that if I stay in Oregon I'll do it for the wrong reasons; I selfishly want a job with tiers of payment, benefits, a retirement plan. I'm stubborn and want to prove that I can make it on my own. 
There, I said it. That's the truth, and I'm scared. I'm scared to pray about this and leave it in God's hands. I'm scared that He'll call my bluff, whatever that is, and I'll have to let go of yet another dream. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.  

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4

1 comment:

Whitney said...

You know me well enough to know that I don't claim to know much about God but one thing I have absolutely experienced is that He just loved to call bluffs.

When I re-applied to be an RA, I said regardless of the outcome, I'd be ok. I'd be happy for what the year ahead held for me. Of course sometimes what your head thinks and your heart feels is different and when I didn't get the position, I was LIVID. I was so mad and so hurt for so long. Long after the next school year started. Even now I'm a little miffed. ( Which I know is retarded, but I can't help it.) But looking back I realize that it was all for the best. I had so many other things going on that I would have been a horrible RA. I needed (and still need) to get my sh*t together.

All of this is to say... if you let go of the reigns and let God take control, you may not get the outcome you expect or want deep down in your heart, but you'll get what's best for you. He isn't going to lead you into the fire. You are a strong person. You'll do fine with whatever you end up doing. You've got an army of friends and family behind you ready to encourage and love you. We're gonna be doing that regardless of where you are, here or there.

And I just KNOW you're worried you'll miss out on those tasty brownies if you end up back in AK. Don't you worry your pretty little head, Missy. I'm in talks with with UPS for a bulk shipping contract. ;)