Monday, June 29, 2009

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today... Maybe it's my weird sleeping patterns that have developed this week (staying up too late talking, getting up too early for work), or the emotional roller coaster I've been riding as I enter into a relationship after 5 years of being pretty much on my own.

I think the tiredness has me in a melancholy mood. The excitement is wearing off and reality is hitting. All is still good... But I'm left to wonder when it was that I stopped truly caring about the consequences of my actions? Was I burned just one too many times and now I tell myself that I am immune to the pain? Have I become accustomed to the numbness that results in let down after let down so that I no longer care about the Truth that I once knew and walked in? And when did I lose touch with the reality that what I do still affects those who are in my life? I truly care about people, but when their webs start to entangle with mine, I begin to see how truly selfish I still am after all these years. When did I become so good at developing excuses and defending my actions?

Ryan asked me about my dreams/goals in life. I've accomplished a big one; Grad school and I have a job teaching middle school and coaching. My next big dream/goal is to get married, to have kids, to own a house, and to travel - not in any particular order... I'm so used to getting what I want, that I almost feel like I'm plowing on through life, with little reguard to the natural process of how things are supposed to work- and as Melissa would say, acting like a person in a generation that feels entitled. How, in this dark world, am I supposed to lead my heart, instead of follow my heart?

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