School is cancelled, due to weather, today. Nothing like another forced day off. It seems more appropriate to complain about it than to reveal my hidden excitement. In today's world it is getting more acceptable for women to stay home and be house wives or full time mommies, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty about it.
To be completely honest I feel like a compete mooch. I know, it's ridiculous when I say it out loud, or see it on my screen, but it's true. I just do not know how to be okay with barely sharing the financial burden. I don't know how to not feel guilty about staying home most days but still spending money on groceries and bills and personal shopping (which I rarely do.)
I love staying home, well I'm almost to that stage. I enjoy having a sort of routine; get up around 6, pump, make Ryan's lunch, spend some time reading and praying, nap until Zoee wakes up, eat and play, and then I tackle chores when she naps. I have a little time to try new menu options, and usually don't feel rushed in getting things done around the house.
But then I realize that the three shirts I've been rotating through are starting to get worn from the frequent washings but I can't go buy new ones because there's no money to spend on me. But instead of complaining about it out loud, well I do sometimes, I just try to remind myself that I'd rather wear ratty clothes than put Zoee in daycare. But as soon as I say that, a voice in the back if my head says, yeah-that's not the reason, you are just too lazy and don't want to go to work.
And so the cycle repeats itself day after day. But I'm reminded that each day is a new day. God's mercies are new everyday. His promises are true everyday. He doesn't stop loving me because it's a new day, or forget where we left off yesterday- He just wants me to walk one day at a time, to rest in His beautiful thoughts towards me and His perfect plans and provisions.