"If I only knew then, what I know now."
Short little phrase.
I was foolish. I was selfish. I was demanding. Impatient. Blinded.
I was hearing, but dismissive.
Completely unaware of the consequences ahead.
Like so many other times in my life, I thought I knew what was better for me, more than those around me.
I ignored the warnings. Directly refused to heed anyone's cautions.
And hid my stubbornness behind the pretense of not wanting all the planning and money to go to waste.
But I'm not sure, that given the chance to go back, I'd change the way I did things. My reasoning is tinged with pride, who truly likes to admit that they are wrong, but I also recognize the beautiful things that have come from that day.
**hmm, I decided to take out a small portion here, maybe at another time I can re-insert, but for now, the right hearts are not ready for those words**
I'm on my 3rd round of Stormie Omartian's The Power of Praying. I bought the big hardback that has The Power of a Praying Wife, The Power of a Praying Parent, and The Power of a Praying Woman.
I love structure (I have chore and menu calendars planned for months) and by reading and praying through chapters in these books I'm given enough structure to guide me and enough freedom to move as the Spirit leads.
I've been so encouraged by this book. The topics are spot on, Stormie uses real-life examples of how prayer works, and she is constantly reminding me to not give up, because most change doesn't happen overnight.
Of course the enemy of my soul still loves to beat me up and drag me down - even more so when I'm diligently praying through my issues instead of nagging the people in my life about them. But let me tell you, it is SO difficult to continue praying after months and months of seeing no results.
But, my God is bigger than that. And maybe I shouldn't focus so much on what I don't see happening yet in others - God only knows how much work needs to be done in my own life! If anything, praying for others is sure making a difference in my own life.
I'm learning how to turn my fear and frustration into prayer instead of the downward cycle of negative thoughts - you know the one where a "forgotten" kiss goodnight turns into a huge explosion of he doesn't love me anymore and must be having an affair! Ew- did I just say that?! I know, I'm the only one who is guilty of those ridiculous thought patterns. But regardless - I'm learning how to turn off that futile way of thinking that only causes more damage and turn to my Jehova-Rapha.
Instead of resorting to a motherly (while there is a time and place for mothering, I am hard-pressed to find when that is appropriate towards my husband, NO MATTER how childish I may think he is being) or disapproving stance I'm really trying to quiet myself (not in a standoffish-silent-treatment way) and ask God to work on the matter instead of me muddying it more.
And I full-heartedly believe that one day my husband, after seeing the work done in my life and after the prompting and softening of the heart by the Holy Spirit, will be ready to hear what the Lord has to say. And instead of being offended and angry and confrontational and blame-shifting (ew, there's all that spillage of garbage from my damaged heart, I'll stop) he'll be convicted, and repentant...
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel - rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 1 Peter 3:1-4