Sunday, May 11, 2008


My stomach is in knots, I can't sleep, and the thought of food makes me want to throw up.
And to think, I was so excited. Giddy. Even when I knew it wouldn't be the same.

Five years ago I graduated from high school, and I thought I knew it all. I was on top of the world. And now, now I realize how very LITTLE I know. But I also recognize that that's part of the journey of learning and understanding and growing.

For a long time I conformed to the institution. I made everything in life my look the way everyone wanted it to. And every day I died a little more. Now I am beginning to understand transformation. The more I abide in Him the more I begin to become like Him, instead of just looking like Him. Because when I just try to conform, my battle is with myself. But when I am transformed that struggle goes away. Maybe one day I'll be able to better explain that.

I want to call and say I'm sorry. But I don't know what to say after that, or even really how to explain what it is I'm sorry about.

I'm not ready, for a lot of things, but I want to be. I think it was Martha, who prayed that I, we, would be ready when we were supposed to be. And that's my prayer now Lord, that I'd be ready to say goodbye, that I'd be ready to say hello, and goodbye again, and that I'd have the right words when I see the people that I care so much about. And that I would be able to step outside of my desires, so that I bring life instead of death, clarity instead of confusion, beauty instead of pain. Teach me when I fall down those chutes, and give me the strength to climb the ladders.

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