Friday, July 31, 2009

I may have have a meltdown while I was at work yesterday.
I may or may not have cried the whole drive home tonight.
I feel like my emotions are on a rollercoaster and I need the ability to just stop thinking and feeling and worrying and maybe even talking - these all seem to make it worse.

I'd like to excuse my behavior somehow... but I think maybe the real solution is just for someone to smack me upside the head and ask me "what where you thinking?!" because I'm not really sure how to do that for myself.

I'm pretty sure I was thinking... but maybe not with sane part of my head? Maybe I'm not really sane? I keep doing things that end up being really stupid after a few weeks or months have passed, or at least they look stupid when I've had time to ruminate and I am thinking "more clearly." Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Maybe I'm addicted to drama?

I said yes to a ridiculous workload for teaching this fall.
I continue to add activities to that workload; coaching volleyball, working at a golf course, selling Partylite, dating Ryan, etc. Reality keeps hitting me between the eyes and I'm really not sure what to do with it... I kinda just want to cry about it, but instead I say really stupid things to the people in my life.

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach... No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it. See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction... This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have have set before you life and death, blessing and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." - Dueteronomy 30:11-21

I feel like I keep choosing things that resemble life... but they slowly keep turning into death. I feel like I'm drowning but I cannot just let go because I've become so entwined in these things that I once thought brought life.

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